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Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Where I'm from isn't where I'm at!
Insane since: Jun 2002

posted posted 04-23-2003 10:31

Below is an actual letter sent to a bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check, with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application for Authorized Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented

In due course, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits, but again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:
1.- To make an appointment to see me.
2.- To query a missing payment.
3.- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. -To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6.- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.- To leave a message on my computer; a password to access my computer is required. (Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact).
8.- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7again.
9.- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. (While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call).

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client

[This message has been edited by Dufty (edited 04-23-2003).]

Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Behind the Wheel
Insane since: Jan 2002

posted posted 04-23-2003 11:02

oh man is that ever funny!

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity


Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Sthlm, Sweden
Insane since: Oct 2000

posted posted 04-23-2003 11:18

Oh thank you so very much!

This mirrors my feelings against most bank- and or governmentrelated services.

Such a perfect thing to do!

{cell 260}
-{ a vibration is a movement that doesn't know which way to go }-

Bipolar (III) Inmate

From: Under the Bridge
Insane since: Nov 2002

posted posted 04-23-2003 11:30

^^ couldnt agree more...

Maniac (V) Mad Scientist

From: Happy Hunting Grounds...
Insane since: Mar 2001

posted posted 04-23-2003 11:40

I wonder if one can actually do this? Would it stand up in court?

Great idea!

Tyberius Prime
Paranoid (IV) Mad Scientist with Finglongers

From: Germany
Insane since: Sep 2001

posted posted 04-23-2003 12:59

na, webshaman, they'd just ask you to get an account at another bank. They don't want to deal with this, and don't have to do buisness with you (just as you don't have to do buissness with them).

Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Where I'm from isn't where I'm at!
Insane since: Jun 2002

posted posted 04-23-2003 13:15

It'd be nice to turn up one day, with a cheque for a Million fat ones, and say:

"I need to deposit this, but I don't like the way you've been handling my account, so can I close it please?"

Then smile as the customer-service training comes rushing back to them.

Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: France
Insane since: Jun 2002

posted posted 04-23-2003 14:19

But I wonder what legal reasons they could find to refuse those conditions.

Tyberius Prime: In France, there's a law which forbids a strore to refuse to sell you some goods. I don't know if that law also applies to service companies or if it has an equivalent in internationnal right.

Dufty: few years ago I did that with a cheque of ~10.000?, I went to my bank ( in which my close family and I have had several minor troubles ) to close my account. When the office guy asked me why I was closing it, I showed him the cheque and told him I had a rendez-vous to create a new account in the bank which is 2 streets away Of course that's not 1.000.000 $ but he tried to concive me to stay anyway.

Mathieu "POÏ" HENRI

Tyberius Prime
Paranoid (IV) Mad Scientist with Finglongers

From: Germany
Insane since: Sep 2001

posted posted 04-23-2003 17:48

poi: Does it also forbidd the store not selling you *any* goods? If so, I'll never open a buissness in that country ;-)

Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Swansea, Wales, UK
Insane since: Aug 2001

posted posted 04-23-2003 18:29

Ummm.... lets see this ?

If that is a letter sent to the bank manager and he had it published in the New York Times, can he get get sued ?

I am under the impression that it was a confidential letter and therefore the manager had NO right to have it published.

But hell, I'm glad he did, because thats one of the funniest damn letter i have ever read.


Rinswind 2th
Maniac (V) Inmate

From: Den Haag: The Royal Residence
Insane since: Jul 2000

posted posted 04-23-2003 21:29


Now i need to send him a new letter with a contract about monthly fees to pay for my copyrights.......

"Art has to be forgotten. Beauty must be realized."
Piet Mondriaan

Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Greensboro, NC USA
Insane since: Jun 2002

posted posted 04-23-2003 22:23

Having had the overrated privilege of working for one of the largest banks in the US, *cough Bank of America cough cough*, I can say that a letter like this one would have generated a great deal of laughter in the office, and an equal amount of scoffing at the customer. At which point, the bank would then notify the customer that if he has difficulty with the policies of the bank (as outlined in miniscule print in a 16-page booklet the size of your checkbook), the customer is entirely at liberty to move their accounts to another bank.

Banks that large don't care what you think. Somewhere in those policies there are probably a couple of loopholes to get around service issues in situations like this. However, it must have been very theraputic to write that note!

Bodhi - Cell 617

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